Liking Oneself: De-Zombification
by Yemi Hikari
Summary: The Shinigami deal with the aftermath of the war, the event that turned Hitsugaya Toshiro into a zombie having turned his world as well as the world of Matsumoto Rangiku upside down. (Diverges from canon plot after chapter 591)
1. I'm a Zombie

_Disclaimer – I don't own Bleach._

**Liking Oneself  
_De- Zombification  
_**_I'm a Zombie_

The smell of death was in his nostrils and the taste of death was on his tongue. His eyes never closed, constantly seeing a version of the world through some kind of odd filter. He could hear things, but it came to him through some kind of filter as well. There was also the urge to tear off his own skin with his own two hands, digging his finger nails into his back to get rid of the nasty feeling. He couldn't though control his own body anymore and knew full well that it was moving of it's own will. It wasn't exhaustion his body felt either, but death. He was dead.

"_I don't want to be dead._" Was one of the thoughts that easily crossed his mind. "_I haven't had the chance to live._"He caught glimpses of familiar faces and familiar sites while painful mental flashes crossed his mind of the things he could have done had he lived, many of which were things he missed out on because he _had_ to become a Shinigami at such a young age. The rest of what was going on was pure instinct, but one thought... the thought that he wanted his fukutaicho stood firm in his head. He wanted Matsumoto Rangiku and he didn't know why.

A mental flash of her came to him and he felt a sudden pulse through his entire body. Something told him it wasn't a mental flash but something he was actually seeing. He tried to speak, but found himself unable to do so as his mind struggled to focus beyond the task he had been dealt with. He could though hear her voice. "Taicho I know you're still there!"

"Ma..." He struggled to speak. "Itamu..." He watched as the figure in front of him suddenly pulled him into a very gentle hug while Ikakku and Yumichika yelled at her that she was being stupid.

"I'm never, ever giving up on you. Never taicho. You belong with me, not that person." He heard the sound then of a sheath dropping to the ground as well as a blade. He watched as Rangiku moved one hand behind her for her blade and at first he thought that she was going to put an end to his misery, only to bring the hand back up to him. "Roar! Haineko!"

He suddenly heard a screaming, the scream sounding similar to the buzzing voice he had heard in the back of his head. When it stopped, he felt his body collapse and could see Rangiku pulling him into her lap. "It's all right taicho. You're not under their control anymore."

His eyes couldn't blink and could only stare up into the woman's face. He watched as some tears fell from her eyes and landed on his face, but he couldn't feel the tears as they landed. He wondered how much he actually truly did sense. He could hear Ikkaku's voice from the side and then saw him lean in. "Rangiku... close his eyes. He's gone."

"I can't. I don't want to believe the he is gone." Rangiku's eyes clenched shut. "He's... he's..."

What he would call instinct suddenly kicked in and his small hand raised up, only to pause part way. He could see the looks of shock on Ikkaku and Yumichika's face. Pausing he saw that his arm was shaking and a strange hue. Yumichika tried getting her attention."Rangiku..."

The woman shook her head. "No. I don't want to believe he's gone. Let me be for awhile."

It was then that his hand reached up to wipe the tears away from her face, causing her to flinch. A hand reached out to grab his and the crying stopped. A smile appeared on her face. "Taicho..."

"Don't... cry." The words came out of his mouth in a jumbled manner.

"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you anymore then I could Taicho."

"I'm dead Rangiku."

"Taicho... don't you dare leave me."

"I don't want to." His vision though was beginning to blur. "It hurts... I'm scared." As he blacked out he could hear the three yelling, but couldn't understand their words.

**M**

Everything was white and the first thought that crossed his mind was, "_is this heaven_". This ended up brushed away upon remembering that he was already considered dead. The next thought that crossed his mind was, "_is this the reincarnation process... it sure is boring_" and then "_I don't want to be dead. It's not fair. I've never gotten to do the things I want to do._"

Then to his dismay... "once a monster, always a monster. What an ending befitting someone who was honestly just a tool. If you could have remained in that half dead state they would have just used you." He turned his head to see the person who had enthralled him and\he shook his head as they continued to speak. "Didn't you make a nice doll. I enjoyed dressing up your dead corpse. Once a puppet, always a puppet."

Toshiro shook his head and turned to look away, only to see Rangiku approaching him with her blade drawn. A thumping sound was heard to his side and he turned his head to see that his left arm had come off as well as his left leg. He fell down in a panic and backed away. "Taicho... I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry I have to do this. Roar Haineko!"

He suddenly felt himself surrounded by burning ash that bit into his skin and tore it off in a painful manner. The next thing he knew he was sitting up and his hands were reaching back to claw at his back as a ferine scream came from his mouth. His entire body shook and drool dripped down out of his mouth. "_I'm dead! I'm dead! I'm fugotin dead!_"

Two hands suddenly reached out to pull his hands away from the personal attack on his backside. "Toshiro! Toshiro! Please stop! Look me in the eye!"

Toshiro looked up, the drool having gone as far as his chin. His entire body continued to shake. "_I'm a fugotin zombie!_" He watched as she looked in his eyes, only to suddenly have to jerk her own away as if something was upsetting her. His lip began to tremble and his head went left and then right. "_I'm a fugotin monster. She hates me."_ He watched as Rangiku's head turned back and he turned to look away, only to have her take his chin gently in her hand and wipe away the drool.

"It's all right sweet heart."

"_No it isn't._" Toshiro pulled away from her grip and back peddled to the wall, pulling his knees up to his chin and burying his face as he wrapped his arms protectively around his legs.

"Sweet heart... please." Rangiku's tone of voice was pleading.

"_No. I'm a monster... a zombie... a freak._" Toshiro's breath suddenly pulled short as his head suddenly began to jerk backwards involuntarily while his hands fell to his side. He could feel more drool going down his cheek as his body shook uncontrollably. His head also hit the wall a few times, but Rangiku's hands reached out and grabbed his and pulled him into her arms as his body continued to do what he didn't want to do.

One of Rangiku's hands reached up and ruffled his hair as he continued to tremble and finally it stopped. He was in her lap and at first he felt safe. The thought that she thought he was a freak crossed his mind and he tried pulling away, only to find that his body didn't want to move anymore. "_I'm dead. I'm dead... I'm..._"

"Toshiro..." The woman began to rub her back. "Isane and Urahara says that your recovery is going to be hard, but I'm here. I'll take care of you."

"_Recovery... how does one recover from being a zombie?_" His eyelids lowered though as she hummed a soft tune and his body soon relaxed. There was an urge to "cry" but he fought back this thought with... "_zombies don't cry or have any feelings_". He also couldn't hear Hyorinmaru for some reason and he just wanted to sleep. "_I don't want to die though..._"

**M**

A few days in the room allowed him to pick up on some information. One of the first things he picked up on was that he was in one of the forth division hospital rooms. Despite being a zombie he was in a nice bed, but his mind kept telling him, "_that's only so they can trick you and think that you're alive by treating you as if you were... they plan on using you..._" Attached to this piece of information was the fact they had won and things had gone back to normal.

He had also apparently been out of it. His mind kept telling him though that no real time had passed and that the forth division had been set up in order to fool him into believing he was alive. Any day now his body would rot away to nothing. If he believed what they wanted him to believe though, they somehow managed to bring him back to life. They didn't though go into details, which made him doubt what they were saying.

Most of the time he curled up in a fetal position letting everything go by. If someone opened the curtains though, he would get up as soon as they left in a rather stumbling manner and close the curtains back up. If someone turned the temperature up, he would turn it back down. "_I'm a zombie. Zombies need the cold and dark so the deterioration slows down._" The one positive side was that he hadn't had an attack like he did despite the fact he was drooling all over the place.

He also constantly removed the needle from his arm that was attached to a bag. He figured it was drugs slowing down the process of his body rotting. His mind of course didn't stop and think about how the two things were actually in conflict, the fact he removed the needle to make sure his body would rot away, and that he also closed the curtains and turned down the temperature to prevent his body from rotting.

On the table were various gifts that seemed to be there to help make him believe that he was actually alive when he actually wasn't. There were various stuffed animals and even a video camera, likely with that video Matsumoto made a long time ago to try and make him feel better about himself. Sometimes he would stare at the camera from his fetal position, tempted to pick it up and play the video, only to have the lack of motivation kick in.

A knock came at the door on the door frame but he choose to ignore it. A man cleared his throat and then spoke, the voice belonging to Kyoraku Taicho. "Hitsugaya? I need to talk to you about something. It is important."

"No." More drool came out of his mouth and he pulled his knees up tighter into a fetal position.

"No, we need to talk. I asked Rangiku to step out for awhile because she needs some rest and it won't do for you to..." The man paused for some reason. "Well, to see her in such a sorry state from not leaving your side all this time."

"_I don't remember that._" Toshiro continued to keep his head buried. "No."

"I hear that you don't like your curtains open." Kyoraku stated, only to be ignored by the boy. The sudden light streaming through the room caused Toshiro to sit up, his face twisted up in panic. He stood up and his small hand reached up to try and pull the curtain back close, only for the man to take his hands and pull it away.

For some reason he started to kick and scream, that same scream from when he woke up from the nightmare coming from his lips. Kyoraku tried to pull him to the bed, but the white haired youth would have nothing of it. It was then that Rangiku came hurtling back into the room and pulled Toshiro to her. "I leave for a few minutes and suddenly he's screaming his head off as if someone is trying to murder him! What did you two do?"

"I just opened the window. He shouldn't be acting that way."

The boy shook and Rangiku spoke calmly. "Please... just close it. I don't understand why, but he doesn't like it."

Ukitake was the one that stepped over and closed the curtains. "This wouldn't also have anything to do with him turning the temperature down in his room, or why his eyes don't open and close."

Toshiro could feel Rangiku's body tense but didn't register the fact. "I'm honestly not sure what is going on in his head right now."

"Can you get him to sit up and look me in the face?" Kyoraku spoke firmly. "This is important."

"I don't think so."

Toshiro could hear the man sigh. It was Ukitake who spoke first. "Isn't he supposed to have an IV in his arm."

Rangiku suddenly held up the child's arm. "See this bruising? He's been pulling it out."

"Does he want to die?" Ukitake's voice sounded quite upset.

"_No... I don't want to be dead... but I already am._"

"No... I don't know." The woman rubbed the small of his back, up and down in a comforting manner.

Kyoraku sighed again. "Look. I came to tell you Hitsugaya that you're being removed from your command post as a captain."

Toshiro sat up, the man's words finally having caught his attention. "Because I'm a zombie?"

He saw the looks of shock on the two taicho's faces and felt Rangiku tense up. Ukitake swallowed before speaking. "Did you just say '_am a zombie_' instead of '_was a zombie'_?" There was a few minutes of silence. "Shiro-chan... do you think you're a zombie?"

"What else am I?" Toshiro felt the drool come from his mouth and made to reach up to wipe it away without realizing, only to have Rangiku beat him to it.

"You're a living person."

"I died." Silence fell over the room.

Kyoraku looked at him, his eyes filled with worry. "Yes... you did. We brought you back."

Toshiro pointed at where the IV was. "No. You're just trying to sustain my body with some kind of drug Kurosutchi cooked up."

Ukitake got up and pulled the IV drip back over. "Shiro-chan, hold out your arm."

"Isane's worried about him tearing it out of his arm again."

"I know. Hold it out. _Please..._ Rangiku and I don't want to lose you." The taicho of the thirteenth division watched as the boy reluctantly held out his arm and he gently stuck it in. Toshiro didn't react to it going in at all and just watched. "This IV contains the nutrients your body would normally be getting if you were eating and taking in sustenance."

"What... you want me to eat people? That's not going to happen. I'd rather die... or completely die."

Kyoraku took a deep sigh. "I'd be laughing right now if I didn't know you weren't making a joke."

"Shiro-chan... you're not dead. By sustenance I mean what we all eat." The man took Toshiro's hand in his own and closed his eyes.

"Why then? Why remove me? Have I outlived my usefulness?"

"No. You've not outlived your usefulness." Kyoraku tilted his hat down.

"Where am I supposed to go? If the Shinigami won't accept zombie me, then who will?" Toshiro heard the adults breath draw tight.

Ukitake's voice chocked up. "You're not dead, not a zombie. We almost lost you, we don't want to lose you. We feel it is time though you got a chance at that childhood you've been missing out on despite the fact you've aged into being a young teenager."

"Where am I supposed to go..." The boy held back saying that he didn't believe them that he was dead.

"You'll stay with me, in my quarters." Rangiku pulled him close.

"_So... I'm to be a doll stood up in the corner._"

"However... if you want to come home with me, you've got to start eating so they can release you."

"_Home... home sounds good._"

**M**

Toshiro tried to eat the foods that were brought to him but ended up only eating bland foods of a liquid substance. Rangiku complained about him being a picky eater and that he should eat more then the things his mood dictated. He on the other hand felt that he was eating the only things he could eat. His mind couldn't shake the idea of being a zombie and he constantly found himself still curling up into some kind of fetal position.

Then the air conditioning broke.

He at first didn't notice, but then the temperature began to rise in the room. Getting up and going to the thermostat did nothing and his mind began to panic. The only option to cool down was to strip completely and then curly up on the bed in a fetal position. He dozed off and in his dreams he heard the voice of the person who enthralled him. "_Don't you make a cute doll. Why don't I put you in this cute outfit._"

He found himself jarred from his sleep by Rangiku's voice. "Toshiro..." He felt himself pulled up. "Come on, get dressed."

"_Aren't I a doll to you._"

"Of all days for you to do this. I'm supposed to be taking you home. Come on. Get dressed." Rangiku paused, waiting for him to respond. Instead of getting himself dressed he went and sat on the edge of the bed waiting for her to do it. "Toshiro..." The woman sighed and picked a nice cool summer kimono to dress him in and pulled one arm at a time into the outfit before tying it snugly around his waist. She then tugged on his arm. "Come on, go home."

Toshiro followed after her, only to freeze upon seeing the daylight. He began to tug back. "_No... not the sunlight._"

"Toshiro..." The woman took a deep breath. She let him retreat back to the room until later in the day and let him sit on her lap. When the sun had gone down she pushed him up and then tugged on his sleeve. His hand slipped down to take hers and she walked with him. They arrived back at the tenth division and he found himself stopping short. Rangiku noticed his reaction. "Don't worry Toshiro. You're staying at my place."

"_So I can be a doll in the corner of your room._" He continued to hold her hand like an obedient doll. When she opened the door, he blinked a couple of times. "Matsumoto..."

"You get the top bunk."

"Why..."

"My old bed wasn't big enough for the two of us, what with you growing."

Toshiro nervously climbed up the ladder and stopped near the top. The blankets were a nice icy color and the pillows looked soft. There were a few stuffed animals stacked near the pillows as well. He climbed up and picked it up, then leaned over. "This?"

"I know you've never been for childish things, but there is something comforting about a nice soft stuffed animal. And there isn't anything wrong with..." The woman looked him right in the eyes, only to have to look away. "... making up for your lost childhood."

"Why?"

"Why there is nothing wrong with making up for your lost childhood?"

"No. You can't look me in the eye." The boy leaned over, his arms pulled back, leaving the stuffed animal also looking down at her as well. His chin rested on the edge.

He watched as Rangiku swallowed. "You have his eyes."

"_What do you mean I have his eyes._"

"Gin's I mean."

"That person replaced my eyes with Ichimaru's?" Toshiro's voice strained.

Rangiku looked up at him. "No, no. That's not what I meant. Before you... before that incident they were this lovely bright teal color, but now they're the exact same color as his."

"So... the reason you're keeping me around is because I'm a replacement?"

"No... no." The woman looked up at him. "Your hair is a mess." Toshiro pulled back at this statement. "Toshiro... let's go to the baths."

"No."

"Please. Pretty please."

"No."

There was silence for awhile and he heard Rangiku leaving. Eventually she came back. "Guess what." A paper was suddenly held in front of his face. "I talked to Isane and she signed these papers saying that the baths will do you good but that you also need adult supervision. Come on. Doctors orders."

Toshiro got up and slowly climbed down the ladder, not at all pleased with this particular then this turn of events. He took Rangiku's hand again and followed her to the bath house. He didn't listen to the conversation Rangiku had with the bath attendant, but then he didn't care. "_I'm dead._" He let her undress him and dump the water over him. He ignored the stares from the females that were there, not noticing who they were.

Then it came time to go into the water and he complied by going in. The heat made his vision swim and the sudden thought of his rotten innards spilling out caused him to stand up. "Hot. It's hot."

"Toshiro! Calm down sweet heart!" The boy turned to her, his eyes widening in panic. She reached out to pull him out of the water as his body shook from fear. "Don't worry. I won't make you do that again until you're ready."

When she had reached out for him his arms instinctively reached out for her, wrapping around her neck. His breathing at first was rough, but he found the warmth of her body to be comforting as well as her smell. His eyes blinked a couple of times. "Matsumoto..." There was a pause as he chocked out the words. "I can feel you..." A particular thought crossed his mind. "_Zombies can't feel..._"

"Yes sweety. I can feel you too."

"I can feel you." His body still trembled.

"That's because you're human. Since you're human, you're very much alive."

Relief suddenly rushed over him as he leaned his forehead into the nook of her shoulder. "_I'm alive. I'm actually alive._" The emotions suddenly overwhelmed him and he began to sob into their shoulder.

_Note – The "fugotin" actually isn't an edit on my part. I thought about having him use a particular "f" word at those points because he was that upset, but then I realized that wouldn't be how it sounded in his head due to his frustration. It's a key word that triggers his "string of curse word rants" he sometimes goes into._

_Also... the video is pretty much like it is in Liking Oneself except for the parts that would made it AU to the Bleach time line. Those are either different then the version in the fic or non-existent._


	2. You're Alive

_Disclaimer – I don't own Bleach._

**Liking Oneself  
_De- Zombification  
_**_You're Alive_

There was this feeling that Rangiku couldn't shake. The last thing she remembered was her small taicho heading in a different direction then she was headed and then she was unconscious. When she woke she couldn't sense where he was and instead she couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. She found herself moving around in order to try and find the child and eventually she felt his spiritual pressure.

She quickly moved to that area and felt Ikkaku and Yumichika fighting her small taicho. "_Why are they fighting him. Are they in their right minds?_"

"_No... I think that it is your small taicho who isn't in his right mind._"

Rangiku found herself move forward, soon discovering what had been done to her small taicho. What she didn't expect though was to be caught off guard when he saw his eyes. It wasn't simply that they had a dead, vacant look to them. His eyes that had once been a bright teal color were now bleached to a pale teal color. They looked exactly like Gin's. A nagging feeling crossed her mind. "_Why does his eyes look like Gin's?_"

"_I think you know why." _

Rangiku couldn't help but take a deep breath. That nagging feeling... the motherly instinct... it kept kicking in more. A thought crossed her mind. "_If he really is dead, I wasn't able to protect him. I wasn't able to let him have a childhood._" She stopped short upon realizing that her small taicho was trying to avoid attacking her, stopping short to change direction when he came close. He was also avoiding eye contact with her but not the other two. "Taicho! I know you're still there!"

She watched as the boy stopped and finally turned to look at her, much to the irritation of the person controlling him. He stepped forward, his eyes still glazed over. "Ma..." The boy simply looked at her as Ikkaku and Yumichika paused, not at all sure what to do, particularly since the small taicho was reacting to her. "Itamu."

"_He hurts."_ She found herself stepping forward.

"Oi! Matsumoto! He's under her control!" Ikkaku snapped.

"That's very stupid idea you know."

She still didn't listen and let a mother's instinct take hold. "I never, ever giving up on you." She watched as the child's blade and sheath lowered and Ikkaku and Yumichika watched in utter shock. "Never taicho. You belong with me, not that person." The blade and sheath clattered to the ground, much to the annoyance of the one who had been controlling her little one. Rangiku quickly wrapped him into her arms and drew her blade. "Roar! Haineko!" She then said something else. "Bankai!"

The ash poured out and rushed at the person who had been controlling the young child, biting and eating away at her flesh. The person tried regenerating, but the ash was like a pack of wolves as it set upon the victim. She could feel the child shake and she knew things were coming to an end as he collapsed to the ground in her arms.

She pulled the child into her lap and saw Gin's eyes again as the child remained expressionless. She wiped away that stubborn lock from his face. "It's all right taicho. You're not under their control anymore."

She felt the tears begin to roll down her cheeks onto his young face. She heard Ikkaku and Yumichika shuffle their feet as they watched her. Without looking up she knew that the looks on their faces were also of grief, in their own fashion. Ikkaku of course had to be the first to be sensible about the matter. "Rangiku... close his eyes. He's gone."

"I can't." Rangiku continued to brush his hair away. "_His eyes are just like his father's. This so isn't fair, that our little one... the one that Gin left me... is gone._" The woman clenched her eyes shut. "I don't want to believe that he is gone. He's... He's..." The woman felt the tears come harder. "_He's my baby!_"

She didn't notice the movement in the small body, but Yumichika and Ikkaku did. The sound of Yumichka's voice straining could be heard. "Rangiku..."

The woman shook her head so that her locks bounced. "No. I don't want to believe he's gone. Let me be for awhile." Her eyes snapped open suddenly when she felt small fingers brush against her tear stained cheek She could see the child's eyes having moved to look at her and his small hand having reached up to comfort her. Her hand reached out to grab his and she found herself glad to see him moving of his own volition. "Taicho..."

"Don't... cry."

"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you anymore then I could Taicho."

"I'm dead Rangiku."

A chill went down Rangiku's spine. "_No... no, no no!_" She clutched the child closer to her. "Taicho... don't you dare leave me."

"I don't want to... it hurts." This admission from him caused her to fill sick in her stomach, but not as much as the second admission she never thought she would hear from this particular child's mouth. "I'm scared." She then felt his body begin to wrench in her arms, his eyes rolling back into his head. Drool came out of the side of his mouth, almost in a foaming manner.

"What's going on?"

"I believe Hitsugaya Taicho is having an epileptic seizure." Mayuri piped up. 'I could fix the problem... that and the problem with him being, well... dead."

Rangiku pulled the boy closer. "No... I don't want you making him better. It has to be Urahara."

"Oi..."

"She's right." Ikkaku glared at the man. "We can't trust you. Rangiku... do you need me or Yumichika to carry Hitsugaya Taicho?"

"No. I've got it. Keep an eye out for the enemy." The woman lifted the child up and followed after Ikkaku while Yumichika took up the rear. Toshiro's body wouldn't stop convulsing as they moved. They finally arrived where Urahara was in the lab, looking up at a hole in the ceiling.

When he heard them enter, he turned his head to look at them. He frowned as he looked at the small taicho in her arms. "Matsumoto Rangiku... do you trust me and my judgment."

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't."

"Oh... I thought I was the only option... or I should say the best option considering the fact your other choice would be Kurotsuchi Taicho."

"No. I trust you."

"Then you also understand that I can't make any promises that he'll come out whole from this experience. I'm not saying this because I don't want him to fully recover, but because there is a limit to what I can do." He watched as Rangiku nodded her head. "I need you to hand him to me." He paused at seeing the look on her face. "Don't worry... you can stay with him."

**M**

"Is it true what Kurotsuchi Taicho said, that my small taicho is having an epileptic seizure?" Rangiku watched as the man had worked and despite the fact she didn't like the needles poking into her small taicho's body. Despite the fact the tremors hadn't yet stopped she could see the color returning to the child's body.

Mayuri frowned, looking up at her. Instead of answering her question he gently stroked her small taicho's cheeks as if to calm the boy down. "No. I wouldn't say this seizure is unprovoked."

"But it is a seizure."

"Epileptic and provoked seizures are different."

"But what provoked this one!"

"Stress." Urahara watched as the boy's coloring finally returned to normal. He took another needle. "I'm not giving this to revive him Matsumoto. I'm giving him this to calm his body down. Chances are he's going to have more seizures like this. Actually... there is a chance he's had them before."

Rangiku swallowed. "No... he's never... not like this."

"Has there ever been a time where he was under great duress and he's stared blankly for a few seconds."

"Yes. But..."

"Chances are he was having a seizure then."

"But..." The woman shook her head. "Have you honestly seen something like this before?" She watched as the child's trembling stopped. "I mean... I know you were able to stop this current seizure, but how are you able to know what is going on."

Urahara looked up at her, his eyes narrowed. He remained quiet about the whole thing. Instead he changed the subject. "With him having seizures this severe and him being under this much mental stress he's likely to be removed from duty and assigned a legal guardian once this war is over."

"What about me? I can take care of him!" Rangiku watched as he reached over to finally close Toshiro's eyes.

"There, there kiddo, get some sleep." The man remained gentle with the small taicho. "Why would they assign you to be his legal guardian. You may have taken care of him while he was your third seat and taicho, but things are going to be harder. You haven't exactly shown much responsibility from what I've heard, so they're likely to want to place him with a caring family."

"That... I am his family. I know I have no way of proving it, but..." The woman stopped. "_What is the point of saying that I'm his biological mother when I have no way of proving it. He's going to be wrenched away from me._"

"Well... I don't know how non-biological parents prove that they're the parents... likely requires testimony from the kid... and I doubt he would be in a state to do any of that. "Urahara's words caused her heart to fall even more. "Biological parents though can prove they're a child's parents with a DNA test."

"Really? Are you able to perform such a test?" Rangiku's whole demeanor brightened. "If you can, I want one done. Please! I don't want to lose him."

"I'll need a sample for the test." Urahara turned back to the small child. "And Rangiku... the previous experience I had with seizures was with Gin-chan. They never, ever were this bad though."

The woman blinked a couple of times. "Wait... how long have you know. I only... I mean..."

"I've known since I've heard about your small taicho from Kurosaki Isshin. He's honestly the one who had suspicions before I did." The man looked at the boy. "Things are going to be rough Ran-chan. There is no telling what he will or won't remember from this. There may be some things he doesn't remember that he'll remember later on."

"I just want this war to be over."

**M**

Matsumoto finally got her wish... her wish for the war to be over and the wish for the DNA results to come back reflecting the answer she wanted. Despite the fact the war was over and she had her results saying that she was the small taicho's biological mother she found that he wouldn't wake up. In fact, as Urahara predicted he had some more seizures while he lay in the bed. She stayed by his side, not leaving him to be on her own as she was adamant about keeping her promise even though it was really only to herself.

She found herself dozing off as she waited for the child to wake up, only to suddenly hear a ferine scream come from the child's lips. Her eyes snapped open and she saw the child sitting up, his eyes wide with horror. She watched as his small hands reached back underneath the kimono from the neckline, clawing at his skin. This caused her to instinctively go to his side and grab his shoulders. She watched as drool dripped from his small mouth.

"Toshiro! Toshiro! Please sop! Look me in the eye!" She watched as he looked at her in fear, his entire body shaking as he looked at her. His eyes couldn't shut and she found herself staring the first of time since the Winter War into his eyes which were a pale teal instead of the bright teal. She looked away, trying to ignore the welling of memories that came up. She turned back to see the drool had gotten to his chin and tried wiping it away. "It's all right sweet heart."

Instead of calming the boy this caused him to back peddle and pull into a ball. Her hand hung close to his head as the corners of her mouth twisted up into a grown. "Sweet heart... please."

It was then that Toshiro's head jerked back and his eyes rolled back into his head as his arms dropped. She knew that another seizure was coming and saw his head hit the wall and instinctively she reached out to pull him away from the wall into her lap. She tried to comfort him, watching as the seizure first stopped and then his body stopped trembling as he calmed down. She brushed the boy's hairs away from his forehead.

After that the boy was awake during the day but curled up in a fetal position on the bed, staring off into space. She found the video camera she had used to make the special video for him a year or two ago and hoped he might look at it, but he ignored that it was even there. He also ignored the gifts that people brought him when they came and simply remained unsociable, not uttering anything other then a few grunts.

Yumichika and Ikkaku came by to visit, curious to see how the small taicho was doing. Yumichika approached the curtains to the room, opening them up to let more light in. "It's been so long since..."

Toshiro let out a yelp and moved forward grabbing the curtain and pulling it closed before falling to the ground as he let go of the curtain. Rangiku pulled him back onto the bed. Ikkaku scratched his head. "Why is it so cold in the room?"

The woman looked up, frowning as she did so. She got up and looked at the rooms thermostat and turned to look at the child who was now curled back up in a fetal position. "I think he's been turning it down."

The fifth seat frowned as he looked at the boy, his arms crossed. "He's not doing all right, is he?"

"No. He isn't."

Ikkaku looked away. "I don't like seeing him like this."

Rangiku narrowed her eyes. "Why? Because you have a problem with him acting this way."

"No..." The man placed his hands behind his head. "I don't like seeing him not like himself."

The two left the room to leave them to be. Food came in and out of the room, but the boy refused to eat any of the food. Isane tried putting an IV needle into the child's arm, only for her small taicho to pull it out. She wasn't at all sure why her small taicho was acting the way he was. Eventually though Kyoraku and Ukitake came to visit them. She listened to Toshiro being dismissed from his taicho position and her heart broke.

Only to break again when she heard how much her small taicho didn't understand what was going on. She was shocked to hear him say, "_because I'm a zombie?_" Even when Ukitake tried explaining things to him it was obvious that he didn't comprehend what the adults were telling him. It pained all three that his mind was currently that broken. They talked about home though and his eyes suddenly perked up.

When the two taicho left, Ukitake turned to her, frowning as he did so. "Rangiku... please... make sure he gets a chance to be a child."

"I'll try." The woman continued to snuggle the young teen. "_How do I break the news to him about his relationship with Gin and me?_" This of course got brushed aside as she tried to get the child to eat. The was stubborn about the things he ate for the obvious fact he thought he was a zombie and thought in his mind that zombies ate certain things. "_If the situation wasn't so serious, I'd find this amusing._"

**M**

She of course had to make preparations for when he would leave. Looking around her small room, she couldn't help but feel the room was inadequate for being a family. Everything about the room screamed that she was a single woman with no obligations what so ever. Nanao came over while she was looking over the room. "What ever is the matter?"

"This really isn't a suitable for raising a child, is it?"

Nanao crossed her arms across her chest. "Truth be told you're the last suitable person for raising a child Rangiku."

The strawberry blond's eyes widened. "Do you think I'm doing the wrong thing?"

Haineko purred in the back of her head. "_You haven't exactly been upfront with people about the recent revelations about your relationship with that child._"

"No. Even if you weren't his biological mother, you're the person he is closest to and responding to the most."

Rangiku's eyes widened. "You know that Toshiro is mine and Gin's son."

"Well... the only reason everyone knows that he is Gin's son is because that boy looks like him. That, and that is really the only person you knew back then who you could have had a child with."

"No, I mean..." The woman paused.

"Everyone knows Rangiku. The captains decided under the circumstances this was best not left secret. My question for you is why you didn't bother to tell me of all people. I'm your best friend, am I not."

"I've been... a little preoccupied." Rangiku felt her mouth turn up into a frown. "I meant to say something to you... but... I really didn't want to leave his side. The only time I did was when you're taicho and Ukitake tried to come and give me a break. That was when they removed Toshiro from his captaincy position."

"Are you mad at them for that? I honestly support the decision of the captains about this."

"No. I'm not. They honestly did the right thing. Nanao..." Rangiku sat down on her own bed. "Toshiro... he didn't understand what they were saying to them. All he could think about was the fat he thinks he's a zombie. He still thinks he's dead."

Nanao frowned at her. "Rangiku... perhaps you should have him go through counseling. I know that Isane isn't Unohana, but perhaps she could do something."

"If it is a home visit maybe. Taicho... he... Ukitake is watching him for me right now, so I could make preparations for when he comes home."

"You know you can't make things perfect this way."

"No... but I certainly can try to make him feel comfortable." Rangiku stood up, picking up a box to take with her. She headed to the captain's quarters and stopped in the doorway feeling like she would cry. Removing Toshiro's things from the room reminded her that the boy had his self resilience striped away from him

Nanao placed a hand on her shoulder. "Rangiku... tell me what you want done and I'll do it."

"I need to remove Toshiro's things from the captain's quarters. He never had much, never really changed things from when Isshin was there, so that should honestly be an easy thing to do. I want to sell my bed... replace it with a bunk bed."

"What ever for? The two of you have slept in the same bed before."

Rangiku shook her head. "Oh... Nanao-chan. He only slept with me when he was ill or having a nightmare. He also needs his own space. He's a growing boy. I mean... he had another growth spurt over the war."

The other woman's mouth twisted up when she heard the words growth spurt. "This so isn't right... him being in this state and not being able to enjoy these growth spurts of his. It killed him not being smaller then his peers and yet in such a major job position."

"What's really cruel about it is he's having these growth spurts to finally match his maturity level, only to have everything he worked so hard ripped away as well as his maturity. Everyone whose come into the room has noticed and it makes them being uncomfortable being around him. Even Ikakku was upset about all of this."

"Not surprising. He has always had a soft spot for your small taicho as well as a great deal of respect. The only taicho besides Kenpachi that he was willing to follow orders on were your taicho."

Rangiku thanked Nanao for her help and finally the IV was able to be removed and she came to take him home. Just her luck the air conditioning in the forth division went out and she found herself wiping the sweat away. She didn't know though what kind of disaster would be awaiting her in her small taicho's room. When she walked in she found herself stopping short upon what she saw.

The boy's clothes were strung across the room and she saw that he was curled up into the fetal position. "_What in the world?_"

"_He takes after his mother... the little exhibitionist._"

"_That isn't funny right now Haineko. This is serious, so please tell me the jokes later when I can actually laugh at them."_

"_Who says I was trying to cheer you up. Anyways... shouldn't you have expected this with the air conditioning going out and his current phobias._"

Rangiku shook her head and walked over to the boy, shaking him away and asking him to get dressed. She was able to get him to sit up for he, but her requests to get dressed were met with eyes glazed over. Letting out a sigh pulled out a summer kimono and pulled first one arm then the next into the sleeves. She then fashioned it around his waste. Haineko of course had something else to say. "_What about underwear?_"

"_I don't know. That seems to be getting a bit personal._"

"_So you're pretty much going to let him run around with less underwear then you do. Nice. Really smart. Not._"

Rangiku tried to ignore her zampaktuo and instead tugged on the boy's sleeve. "Come on, let's go home."

He followed her until he hit the noon time sunlight and suddenly she felt as if her arm was going to be yanked off as he struggled to get back to his room. Haineko purred in her ear. "_You forgot about his aversion to sunlight._"

"_It's not an aversion, it's a phobia. There is a difference._"

"_No there isn't._"

"_You heard Isane. Medically speaking there is a difference between the two." _Rangiku let him go back. Arriving at the room she sat down on the bed and pulled him into her lap. She was surprised at how compliant he was, almost doll like but brushed it off as mere coincidence. She sat with him until later evening and then pushed him up so that they could head back to the tenth division. Again he remained compliant as they headed home.

She opened up the door and turned on the light. Toshiro blinked a couple of times as he looked around the room. Nanao had honestly done a good job, making sure that things were nice and neat. The bunk was there for him and the sheets nice and crisp as well. "Matsumoto..."

"You get the top bunk."

"Why?"

"My old bed wasn't big enough for the two of us, what with you growing." Rangiku watched as he let go of his hand and headed to the ladder. Toshiro hesitantly put his foot up on the first rung, then the next... his confidence diminishing as he went further up. He then disappeared from view and came back with a stuffed animal that Nanao had picked form him. It was simple in design.

"This?"

Rangiku explained away, having to look away when she saw his pale teal eyes. "_They're exactly like Gin's now. How do I explain to him the connection between the two of us. Explaining these small things are hard enough as it is._" She paused though when he pressed about her not being able to look him in the eye. Looking back up she saw the stuffed animal peering over the edge. It was cute, but she doubted her small taicho would like that. "Gin's I mean."

"That person replaced my eyes with Ichimaru's?" The boy was upset.

"_Oh dear... the whole zombie thing._" Rangiku shook her head, trying to explain things to him only to notice his hair and how it need a nice cleaning. "_That will make him feel better, getting a nice bath._" He at first protested but she slipped away and got the note from Isane and headed out with him. He didn't seem at all aware of the situation that was going on and simply remained compliant. This was starting to worry her, but she brushed it off again.

They arrived at the baths and the attendant looked at them. "Isn't he old enough to go in by himself?"

"_Oh... wouldn't he like to hear that._" Rangiku took a deep breath. "Technically..."

"What do you mean technically?"

"_I was so hoping he would still pass as being younger. That, or this attendant is smarter then the usual ones._" She carefully pulled out a note. "Here..."

The attendant read the note then looked up at her. "I'm not so sure."

"What do you mean you're not so sure."

"I don't like the idea of letting him in... what with his issues. It might bother the other customers."

Rangiku glared at the person. "Excuse me?"

"Rangiku... does there seem to be a problem?" Nanao walked over to the attendant.

"He doesn't want to let us in. He thinks he'll be a bother to the other customers."

Nanao snorted. "Yes. He'll be a bother to the rest of the customers that consists primarily of the high ranking female shinigami who are already aware of Hitsugaya's issues."

"Hitsugaya Taicho..." The man looked at him, watching as the boy stared off into space. "It's rather hard to believe that person is the Hitsugaya Taicho we've all heard about."

The two woman froze. Rangiku slammed her hands down. "So he's _not_ himself anymore. War will do that you know! Particularly to someone who despite being a child genius does still have the mind of a child and not an adult! You of all people don't know what he went through? What I've gone through? You..."

Nanao tugged on her sleeve. "Calm down." She glared at the attendant. "The situation with Hitsugaya Taicho is so bad he's been stripped of his duties. He's still a captain, but retired."

"Oh..." The look on the man's face suddenly turned to pity. "Fine then..."

Rangiku tugged Toshiro in. "Fine then? Really?"

"Calm down. You have to be calm in front of him. The last thing you need is an incident where people call into question your ability to take care of him." The strawberry blond sighed. They arrived in the locker room where Nanao and Rangiku changed into their towels while Toshiro simply sat on the bench staring at the wall. Rangiku's best friend looked at the child. "Rangiku... he's... how to put this. He's not changing."

"No. He's kind of... I had to dress him today."

"Perhaps because Isane and the forth division have been changing his clothing and he's gotten used to it?"

"Maybe. I guess I need to try getting him to do things on his own again." Rangiku carefully removed the clothing on the child and wrapped a towel around his waste. She watched as Isane flinched at the scars on his small body.

"Children shouldn't have their bodies scarred up like that."

"I know. No more fighting for him." Rangiku carefully guided him into the hot tub area and dosed him with water. Rukia came in with Orihime as her guest, only to raise her eyebrow. The fukutaicho didn't complain and the two girls went to work on their own baths. Toshiro still did nothing for himself, so Rangiku had to proceed through the process of the pre-wash and then help him in.

At first everything was fine. The child then yelled out due to the heat and Rangiku found herself pulling him out to safety, or what his mind would consider to be safety. "Toshiro! Call down sweet heart! Don't worry. I won't make you do that again until you're ready."

His body trembled and she could see Nanao, Rukia and Orihime looking at him with worry.. To her surprise she felt his arms wrap around her neck, his body tense with fear. "Matsumoto..."Rangiku wasn't sure what he would say, hoping it wasn't something that would come back to embarrass him later. Not that Rukia, Orihime or Nanao would spread the word. "I can feel you..."

Rangiku blinked in confusion. "Yes sweet. I can feel you too."

"I can feel you." His body still trembled.

Something though clicked. "_He's been thinking he's a zombie this time and that he shouldn't be able to feel this kind of comfort._" Rangiku closed her eyes in relief. "That's because you're human. Sine you're human, you're very much alive." The next thing she knew he was sobbing uncontrollably into her shoulder. Eventually the shaking stopped as he had fallen asleep.

She got him dressed with the others asking if she would like some help. She shook her head and lifted him up into her arms. Nanao came with her, opening the doors for her. When they arrived back at Rangiku's quarters the woman frowned. "Ran... do you want me to stay for tonight? I know you wanted the first night to be just you and him, but with what just happened I'd like to be around in case you two need something."

The strawberry blond sighed. "No. I'd like you to stay. I'm sorry for this happening."

"Don't be. It's not your fault. It's the fault of those messed up Quincy."


	3. Facing Reality

**Liking Oneself  
_De-Zombification  
_**_Facing Reality_

The relief washed over Toshiro as he clung to Rangiku. His arms wrapped around her neck and the frustrations and fear he had been feeling melt away with the warmth of her body. He also couldn't stop crying despite the fact he was doing it in front of other people. Prior to being turned into a zombie he wouldn't have been caught dead crying in front of anyone. He also couldn't think of why he couldn't stop and honestly didn't care. Without realizing it he fell asleep leaning up against the woman.

The next thing he was aware of was a place with white walls. The place was cold and he was sitting on some type of chair or a bench. His body felt rigid, his lips hanging limp at his sides. The only thing he was able to do was move his eyes around. Looking down at his body, he could see that his injuries were healed, but his mind couldn't process what those injuries were. He just knew that whatever had caused them also happened to shred his clothing.

His clothing hung in rags on his body. The upper part was the worst off as it left his upper torso exposed to the elements. This didn't help the cold feeling he was feeling, or the strange creepy feeling that ran over his skin. The lower part was only damaged around the leg area. To his right was his zampaktuo and to the left was his sheath. He continued to look around, suddenly hearing a male voice and a shock went through his body as for some reason he felt he should be afraid.

"So?"

A feminine face suddenly bent down in front of him. "You say he is powerful, but he's just a kid. And didn't you effectively kill him?"

"He's still powerful and can be used to take out some of the lower level Shinigami."

"Well... he does make a cute dolly said." The person dressed in feminine clothing suddenly stood up and their hands reached for the rags and began to pull them off.

It was then that Toshiro startled away, his heart beating very fast. His small body shook and at first he couldn't take in his surroundings. The first thing he was finally able to register was the room. It was a small room with a bunk bed and a closet for holding things. There was also a person sitting in a chair fast a sleep. He found himself drawing his breath realizing that it was Nanao Ise of the first division who was sitting there.

He then realized someone's arm was wrapped around his waste and that he was sitting in someone's lap. "_Am I a doll?_" He suddenly found himself pulling away, his heart beating fast. He found himself stumbling off the bed onto the floor, making a sound as he did so. He then looked up and saw the ladder and the nook up above the top bed of the bunk. He quickly scurried up the ladder, the palms of his hands and his knees pressed into the mattress. He then flopped down onto the bed.

"Toshiro?" Rangiku's voice came from below.

"_Does she think I'm a doll?_" One arm reached over to cover his eyes.

"Sweet heart, are you all right?"

There came a pause and Nanao spoke again. "You want me to stay Rangiku?"

"No. I think I can handle this. I'll talk to you later." The sound of the door opening and closing was heard. "Hey, Toshiro? Are you alive?"

The arm suddenly moved away from his eyes and he moved to the edge to look at her. "I'm alive."

"I'm glad." The woman smiled up at him, making him feel better. "Did you have a nightmare?" He of course didn't respond to her comment. "What do you want for breakfast?"

One hand slipped down slightly and dangled over the edge as he thought carefully. "I want Matsumoto's cooking."

The woman blinked a couple of times. "That is a rather odd request."

"You're not going to cook breakfast?" The corners of the boy's mouth twisted up.

"No, I'll cook you breakfast. I enjoy cooking for you. I mean it's odd in the fact people normally ask for a specific kind of food to eat."

"I don't care."

"Really? You've only been eating miso soup and rice porridge."

"I trust your judgment."

**M**

Rangiku had fallen asleep with her son in her lap, glad that he was nestled safely in her arms. She woke up when he darted from her arms and watched as he scurried up to the top bunk. Taking a deep breath she looked up. After Nanao left she asked if he had a nightmare but got no response. She had the feeling he had in fact had a nightmare, but didn't wish to press the issue. When he said he wanted her cooking she was ecstatic. She made him promise to stay where he was and headed to the kitchen area.

She arrived in the kitchen and opened the cupboards, not at all sure what she would make him for breakfast. "_T__oshiro__ was always a stickler for a breakfas__ts that come across as professional. On the other hand he has no need to look professional now and it could be fine for him to have something those his age would like."_

"Matsumoto Fukutaicho?" The voice caused her to raise her head up to see one of the other members of her squad was standing in the door way. "How is Hitsugaya Taicho?"

The woman smiled at the young man. "As I've already told the other members of the division he's been removed from duty."

"Does that mean we'll be getting a new taicho? I was actually quite fine with Hitsugaya as our taicho. Despite being as young as he was... is... he is... was... quite capable."

Rangiku paused. "Possibly. I'm not really thinking about that right now. Right now I'm thinking of what to make taicho for breakfast."

"Shouldn't you just do his usual, what ever that is?"

The strawberry orange female frowned, then shook her head. "He ate what he did because he wanted to be treated as an adult."

"Well, I need to get preparing the food for the rest of our division. The others should be in soon."

Rangiku sighed, still not sure what to make the young taicho. Her zampaktuo spoke up. "_How about a balance between the two. Take something that he would normally eat for breakfast and spice it up to make it more interesting._"

The woman's eyes settled on the box of oatmeal. "_That's a good idea. If he does ask why I'm adding a bit of color to his oatmeal I can tell him the fruit was added because he needs nutrients. He's lost quite a bit of weight because of this stupid war. His bodies been under a lot of stress._"

Upon finishing the blueberry oatmeal and adding a glass of milk to the trey she headed back to her quarters, nudging the door open to see Toshiro sitting on the floor in the traditional sitting pose. Her nose suddenly wrinkled as she smelled something foul. "What..." She looked at the boy and noted that his cheeks were flushed. "Toshiro..." She carefully set the trey down onto her bed and went and sat in front of him, confirming that the smell was indeed coming from him. "Toshiro, what happened?"

She watched as the boy swallowed, his lips pushing together. "All right. I get what happened. I need to ask you why you didn't go to the restroom?"

"You told me to stay." Toshiro's body remained rigid, his hands on his knees.

"I didn't mean that you couldn't go and use the restroom." She brushed her hands suddenly against the side of his cheeks but got no response from him. He continued to stare into space. "You need to change." She swallowed as she was still not getting a response. One hand reached under his armpit and pulled him up as she stood up. When he was standing, she spoke in a calm manner to him. "Come on... you need to get dressed."

"_He's too embarrassed._"

"_Yes. But if I don't get him cleaned up he could get sick" _Rangiku looked over at the closet and went over and grabbed a fresh set of clothing. He simply stood there, his hands limp at his sides. One hand reached out and grabbed his. "Why don't we head to the bathrooms to get you cleaned up, all right?"

"If that's what you want."

"_If that's what I want?_" Rangiku frowned, deciding it was best to just tug on his sleeve while she carried the clothing. She smiled as he began to walk forward, only to watch as his eyes widened and his mouth opened in fear as his hand touched a patch of sunlight. A sudden scream came from his mouth and she watched as he darted back into the room. "Toshiro..."

"No."

Her mouth twisted in a frown as she saw him curled into a ball in the corner of the room that was most in the shadows. She walked over, dropping the clothing onto the bed as she did so. She knelt down beside him. "Toshiro, I'm here." To her dismay he darted away and onto her bed, knocking the food on the trey over and making a mess. "No. Don't do that." She watched as he continued to tremble in the corner before folding her arms. His eyes darted to look at hers, only to have her turn away as she couldn't stand the fear she saw.

"I'm going to go and get some cleaning supplies." She thought about opening her mouth to tell him to stay there, but quickly realized it was a mute point. She headed first to the laundry to grab a basket for the dirty clothes and bedding. She then headed to the supply closet to get the rest of what she needed. She couldn't see into the quarters this time and simply dropped the basket down, placing her hands on her hips in frustration.

Rangiku stopped short upon seeing another site. Toshiro was now sitting on the edge of the bed. "I'm sorry." She looked around, noticing that there was some oatmeal on his face as well as a few smears in the oatmeal spill on her bed. He swallowed, his voice straining. "Matsumoto, I'm sorry."

The woman moved forward, taking his hands in hers and noticing that the right had been touching the oatmeal. "Toshiro... were you playing in the oatmeal?"

"Not playing." The boy swallowed. "Eating..."

Rangiku found herself looking into those eyes so much like Gin's, only to find them far more distant then she had ever seen the boy's father or the boy himself be. She tries clearing her throat. "Why? Why would you do something like that? You of all people know that isn't sanitary! Why?"

"Hungry..." Toshiro's head darted down as if he were ashamed of looking at her. "I'm sorry."

The woman wiped away the oatmeal. "No. None of this is your fault."

"Yes... it is."

"Toshiro, can you change out of your clothes for me?" The woman smiled at the child, her hands pressing against his small hands. Despite having spoken to her for a few minutes he suddenly clammed up. His small hands pulled away and clenched at the sheets of her bed. Rangiku reached up and carefully brushed a lock of hair away from his eyes. "All right. I'll take care of you."

The woman took a towel and began to wipe away first his face and then his hands, swallowing as she did so. She wasn't able to look in his eyes. "_I don't like him this way. I wish there was more I could do for him. I really thought I had reached him finally last night._"

"_It may not be a matter of reaching him or not reaching him. His brain may need time to rewire._"

"_Yes... well, I'm not sure if I can tell him about Gin and I while his mind is as fragile as it is. I never thought I'd see him of all people like this. It's..._" Her long fingers let go of the boy's hands having finished wiping them off and placed them on her knees. "Toshiro... can you at least stand up for me?"

She watched as the boy's hands reached out for her own in order for her to help him up. "_It's as if he is on auto pilot. He's not paying any attention anymore to how he responds to people._"

Haineko grumbled in the back of his head. "_He likely doesn't care anymore. Didn't you want him to not care?"_

"_That's not what I wanted and you know it._" Rangiku gently pulled him to a standing position and pulled off the clothing. She grimaced at the underwear part, but quickly got it off and a new set on.

Toshiro decided to speak again. "Matsumoto? Am I a doll?"

Rangiku blinked a couple of times in surprise. "No, you're not a doll." She then began to pull on a light kimono when a knock came at the door and it slid open revealing a female member of the division. Toshiro's eyes widened upon seeing the person and suddenly he was darting up the ladder and hiding on the top bunk. "You do realize it is not nice to walk into a persons quarters like this?"

"I knocked."

"Yes. You knocked. You didn't wait until I got an answer."

"I don't think you should be lecturing me when you're doing something inappropriate like this."

"Inappropriate like..." Rangiku frowned, placing her hands on her hips.

"_She means dressing your small taicho._"

The woman glanced up at where Toshiro had headed. "He's a very capable individual. He shouldn't be treated like this."

The fukutaicho of the tenth crossed her arms across her chest. "You don't know _what_ is going on, or _how_ he is doing."

"You don't exactly fill us in on how he is doing, or when he will be coming back to duty. He looks physically fine to me."

"Get out. What ever it is you need, leave a note in the office. I don't have time for this."

"And yet you have time for _that_."

Rangiku's hand suddenly smacked across the woman's face. "I told you to leave." She caught the glare the woman gave her. "And feel free to file a report about this. I'll be filing a report of my own." She slammed the door closed and leaned up against the ladder. For awhile it was quiet.

Then Toshiro's voice came from above. "Matsumoto? Did I do something wrong?"

"No. You didn't do anything wrong."

"She seemed upset."

"She doesn't understand what is going on." The woman looked up, a smile on her face. "Can you come down so that I can finish getting you dressed?" There was silence from above. "Please?"

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"I want to sleep."

"If you come down here and get dressed you can take a nap. That will give me time to finish some things I need to do." A suddenly thump was heard and Rangiku let out a yelp. The small boy had chosen not to use the ladder and instead had jumped off. She pulled him into a hug. "Don't do that?"

"I was bad?"

"You could have gotten hurt."

"You wouldn't like that?"

"No, I wouldn't. Please use the ladder." Rangiku quickly pulled the kimono on and tied it, watching as he scurried back up. Letting out a sigh she removed the sheets from her bed and headed to the laundry. A few in the laundry area asked her when their taicho was coming back. "_What don't they understand about him having been removed from duty?_"

"_Perhaps they honestly can't understand why he's not bouncing back like he usually does._"

"_I'm not completely understanding myself. Something had to have happened. That, or a lot of things __had to happen. It's as if he's trying to block certain things off._" Rangiku swallowed. "_If I tell him about Gin, then thing surelly will get worse._"

**M**

Rangiku finished up the things she needed to do and headed back to her quarters with a box of sandwiches she made. When she arrived in the room she found that Toshiro was nowhere to be seen. She closed the door and sat down on the bed. "_Well... I know that he can't have gone anywhere. The noon day son is up and he's terrified of the light._" The woman opened up the box and pulled out one of the sandwhiches and began to eat it. "This sure is yummy."

Out of the corner of her eye she watched as Toshiro slid down the ladder, not bothering to use the steps. "Matsumoto made the food?"

"_Seriously... he could get hurt._"

"_At least he's not recklessly jumping down anymore."_

"I made the food." She held up a thermos. "The drink though is just water."

She watched as he quickly sat down next to her, his legs folding up so that they were crossed on the bed. She watched as he began to wolf down the sandwiches while she ate her own. "_Does he really need to eat that fast?_"

"_He has a high rieatsu level, so he needs to have plenty of sustenance or he ends up paying for it. He's been very picky at what he's been eating prior to this._"

Rangiku reached out a hand to gently touch the soft white hair. "Glad you like those sandwiches Toshiro. You should slow down though so you don't choke." She watched as the boy swallowed and slowed down. She handed him the thermos and watched as he downed the contents before going back and rubbing the back of his head. "You know... you can tell me what you're thinking and feeling about things."

The response she received was another bout of silence and she simply went back to eating her sandwich. She'd almost finished when Toshiro suddenly tugged at her sleeve. She turned to look at him, noticing that his cheeks had flushed up and his mouth was twisting up as if he didn't want to say something. "What?"

"Bathroom."

"Yes... yes." Rangiku made to stand up, only to stop short. "Toshiro... you do realize that you've got to pass through the light to get there?"

"I've got to go."

Rangiku pushed her lips together for a few seconds. "Do you trust me?" She watched as the by swallowed, the fear rather apparent on his face. "If you trust me, I want you to close your eyes and hold onto my hand tightly." The woman stood up, feeling him take her hand. "_I hope that it is only the site of light that sets him off and not the actual feeling of sunlight._" She began to carefully guide him across the grounds. The light touched his skin, but he didn't react to the touch.

"It's warm Matsumoto."

"I know. Just a bit farther and we'll be at the restrooms." They arrived at the door and Rangiku took a deep breath. "We're here. I'm going to push on your back so you can..."

"Don't leave me."

Rangiku found herself taking a deep breath, not at all sure what to think of this new issue. "_He's too old to be going into the woman's bathroom with me._"

"_You don't have a choice._"

The woman sighed. "All right. Just keep in mind this is the woman's bathroom. Some people aren't going to be happy with you going in there."

"You?" The boy kept his eyes closed.

"No... I'm not angry if that's what you mean." The woman pulled him in and pushed him into one of the toilets, closing the door behind her and standing between Toshiro and anyone who was watching. There were a couple of female Shinigami who were surprised. She took a deep breath while he remained in the bathroom, waiting patiently.

"_You could have used the higher ranking bathroom._"

"_Yes. He's not the taicho anymore and I don't want him getting used to using it as there is no telling what rules the new taicho will put into place._" Rangiku took a deep breath. "_I know that I said I didn't have time to be worrying about the new taicho, but truth of the matter is I do have to worry. If it's the wrong person then they may not like Toshiro or I may be out of a job._"

"_Or the new taicho may hit on you and have certain demands from you. And you know what... you're more likely to comply to them just so you have a place._"

"_I'll take Toshiro to the first or thirteenth division before I let that happen._" She watched as a few more came in and out. Letting out a deep sigh she suddenly knocked her knuckles against the door. "Are you all right." She heard a sound in the affirmative and then the flushing of the toilet. The door opened and he reached out to touch her hand. "No... wash your hands first."

"Oh... yeah." The boy walked to the sink and began to wash his hands. It was in a rather fastidious manner. He startled when a couple of female Shinigami opened the door, gossiping as they came in.

The two females at first stared while he stood there with the water still running. The boy stared at them with a vacant look on his face. One of the girls raised a hand to her mouth. "Hitsugaya Taicho."

Rangiku watched as he moved behind her and could hear him mutter that he was no longer a taicho. The two females of course didn't hear his response. The woman took a deep breath. "We'll be leaving now that taicho has finished." She felt Toshiro flinch when she called him by his title. "Take my hand."

The boy quickly took her hand, holding it tightly. She eyed the two females so that they would move out of her way as she guided the white haired boy out of the restrooms and back to her quarters. She heard them muttering to each other but brushed the matter aside, instead focusing on the needs of her young charge. Upon arriving back at the quarters she watched as he scurried up the ladder to hide again.

**M**

"We're going to go and visist Nanao-chan and her taicho." Rangiku said towards the evening. Silence came from the top bunk and she took a deep breath. "Don't think that I will actually take no for an answer. We're going as there is something important that I need to talk to her taicho about." She watched as he peered over the edge, glaring at her with the rather blank looking eyes. "The sun's gone down quite a bit."

She watched as he slowly swung his legs over the edge and slowly climbed down the ladder, the exuberance he had shown earlier that morning gone. "Am I in trouble?"

"No. Why would you..." The woman paused. "We're not going to see him because you did something wrong."

"I'm not coming back."

"What do you mean you're not coming back! Don't you dare run off..." Rangiku paused, her beating heart slowing. "Oh. You didn't mean that you were going to run off." The woman took a deep breath. "_Like Gin did all the time. I've got to remember you're not him._" She reached a hand out to ruffle his hair. "Look... I'm not taking you with me to leave you with the first division. I just... I can't leave you alone. Not right now." She tugged on his sleeve. "I could buy you a treat if you behave. I'm sure..."

The boy shook his head. "I'll be good. Just... don't get rid of me Matsumoto."

Rangiku swallowed. "I wouldn't ever do that." She tugged on his sleeve and they continued their way along. She had to do quite a bit of tugging as every so often he would become distracted by something and there wasn't time to let him watch the things for long. She couldn't help but notice that the things that drew his attention were things that most people would overlook. There was the puddle of water, the wind blowing a few bits of grass.

Arriving at the first she headed straight to the office area. Nanao stopped short, blinking a couple of times when she saw them. "How is it going you two?"

"Nanao... could you watch him for me while I speak to your taicho?"

"No!" Toshiro suddenly grabbed onto her arm. "Matsumoto!"

Rangiku placed a hand on his shoulder. "Look. I promise I'm not going to leave you here. I need to talk to Nanao-chan's taicho privately. Please." The boy let go and stood there, the look in his eyes saying he wanted to cry. Despite this she slipped in through the doors and close them behind her. "I apologize for barging in like this Head Captain."

"No need Ran-chan. How is Toshiro doing?"

Rangiku took a deep sigh and turned to speak to the man. "Not well I'm afraid. Today had some issues."

Kyoraku looked at her. "Well... we kind of expecting some issues. I take it you're hear because there is something you need some help on."

"While he's not thinking he's a zombie anymore he's still reacting negatively towards the sunlight. In order to get him to the restroom I had to have him close his eyes and guide him there. He really needed to go. Then he wouldn't go into the mens restroom."

"The mens restroom." Kyoraku frowned. "Rangiku, why didn't you have him use the bathroom facility that is set up for the captain and fukutaicho and the highest seats."

"You know the rules. It's for _the_ captain and _the _fukutaicho. He's not the captain anymore."

"But you his mother are the fukutaicho. He should be able to use the facility."

"There are no rules that allow me to let my family members in. In fact, the regulations are set up to prevent abuse of said facility. Plus..." Rangiku took a deep breath. "I don't know who the new taicho is going to be. If I get him used to using that facility and the new taicho doesn't like it... well, it wouldn't be fair to get my son used to that routine."

Kyoraku frowned, then waved his hand. "Rangiku... he's free to use that facility. I'll even have shades placed on the walkway so that sunlight doesn't come through and he can come and go without you. If the taicho has complaints... which I doubt he will... tell them to bring it up with me."

"So... you've decided on a new taicho?" Rangiku felt the color leave her cheeks.

"I didn't say any such thing. When and if the time comes we'll discuss it." The man paused. "Have you thought about taking the captain's exam?"

"And ripping his position away from him?" The woman shook her head. "No... I don't... plus..." The woman took a deep sigh. "I kept the fact I knew Bankai a secret from him. I don't want him to know."

"I'm not talking about taking the exam to take on the captain's position. I'm talking about taking it simply to take the test. Plus... there is a pay raise involved."

"I make plenty of money without a pay raise."

"Yes. But you could save up faster for a nice trip for the two of you, or something else. Your duties would be the same. Right now you're also taking on the role of fukutaicho and captain." The man folded his arms. "Plus... you deserve the pay. Nanao would also stop nagging me about it."

Rangiku sighed. "I'll talk to her about that. Thank you for speaking with me." She left the room and saw Nanao, but not the boy she had brought with her. "Toshiro?"

Nanao pointed at the floorboards near the door. The busty female turned to see that Toshiro was sitting there with his knees pulled up to his chest and his face buried. "He didn't like the fact you were gone."

The corner of Rangiku's mouth twisted up. "Hey? Taicho... why don't we go home." The boy looked up. "I promise... I'll do everything in my powers to keep you with me. Nanao or someone else may have to watch you so I can work, but you get to stay with me. All right?"

"Promise Matsumoto?"

"I promise." The woman felt his small hand take hers and she began to walk him home using the same process as before.


	4. Mother's Fears

**Liking Oneself  
_De-Zombification  
_**_Mother's Fears_

Rangiku woke the next day to the sound of hammering. Her hand went to her forehead and she clenched her eyes closed. "_A hang over?_" Instead of feeling a headache pounding in her head she felt a small hand pressing into her arm as the person whose hand it belonged to tried to flee. Her eyes snapped opened and her hands grabbed the child and pulled him into her arms. "Hey? When did you get down her beside me."

Instead of responding to her question his body instead responded to the sound of the hammering coming from outside of the room. The shaking of his small body told her that the hammering sound was indeed not the result of her drinking the night before. She shook her head knowing she should have remembered she didn't go drinking the night before. Taking a deep breath she hugged him quickly before letting him scurry up the ladder.

"_Really... when did he get there? He had to have come down from the top bunk during the middle of the night and crawled into the bed with me._"

"_He may have been sleep walking during the middle of the night._"

"_Doesn't matter. He's at least comfortable enough to come and sleep with me at night._" The woman stood up from the bed and looked up at the place the boy had disappeared two. She startled when she saw two pale teal eyes looking down at her. "Hey? I'm going to go and see what's going on and see if I can get them to stop."

The busty female took a deep breath and threw on her uniform and slid the door open. She blinked a couple of times as she took in what she saw. A shade was put up to cover the corridor as Kyoraku had in fact promised. She folded her arms across her chest as she examined the screens, her lips pushing together. The shade seemed to be cloth like and allowed one to see things on the other side. The important thing was that in prevented sunlight from streaming into the corridor. This meant Toshiro could use pass through without her helping him

Ukitake stood in the corridor supervising the work, a weak smile on his face. Upon hearing the door open he turned his head to smile at her. "It will take a bit of time to get these shades up. When we're done though Shiro-chan will be able to use the bath facilities without worrying about the sun."

Rangiku leaned up against the door frame, her arms still folded. "I'm guessing the head taicho asked you to take care of this particular task?"

"He wouldn't have needed to ask. I really want Shiro-chan to get better as soon as possible. How is the boy doing?" The man looked into the shadows of the room, a sad look reflected in his eyes.

"I'd let you come in to see him. Problem is he's up on the top bunk of our bed because of all this noise."

"Apologies to that. Let him know I'm sorry for the noise. We should hopefully be done in a couple of hours. I'll stop by lunch time tomorrow if I am feeling well. I'll bring a treat for him to enjoy."

Rangiku looked towards the sound of the banging. "Who did you get to put up the shades?"

Ikakku peered around the screen that was up. He quickly removed the nails from his mouth. "Good morning Rangiku. Apologies for disturbing you this early in the morning."

The woman blinked a couple of times. She moved to see around the other side of the screen. "It is early. Will these shades actually work to keep out the sunlight?"

Yumichika let out a sigh from where he was leaning up against the wall. "We can't keep the corridor completely dark. That would mean keeping lamps lit so the..." The man paused, a look of disgust spreading across his face. He shook his head. "We don't need to light lamps so Hitsugaya Taicho can head through. These screens will let enough light through to allow him to see."

Rangiku swallowed. "You almost said something."

"I almost called Hitsugaya Taicho a child." Yumichika pushed away from the wall without using his hands. "I have paper work back at the eleventh division. I'll see you latter Ikkaku."

The busty female blinked a couple of times before turning her head to look at Ikkaku. "What is his problem?"

Ikkaku at first didn't respond, but didn't continue working either. "You heard what he said. He almost called Hitsugaya a child."

"But he is a child."

"Is he?"

Rangiku felt her skin prickle and her throat tighten. "How is he not!"

Ikkaku sighed. "How is he not? Are you referring to now or then?" A silence fell as Rangiku swallowed. Ukitake peeked around the corner, a concerned look on his face. Ikkaku looked down. "Well?"

"Then. I'm referring to then."

Ikkaku looked away and went back to working. This caused Rangiku to let out an irritated sound. The man let out a sigh. "Yes. Hitsugaya Taicho is a child. We still could treat him like an adult. He deserved to be treated like an adult more then some adults out there. That's been ripped away." The man remained silent as Rangiku fumed. "We're having to move from treating him like an adult to babying him. It's stupid."

"Do you have a problem with that?" The woman felt her throat tightened.

"He doesn't Rangiku." Ukitake sighed, his face creasing due to his frustration.

"Yeah. I do. He deserves better. He'd have killed us for babying him before all that happened." Ikkaku got down to pick up the next screen. "Actually... I'm hoping that there will be a time when he can chew us out for the way we're having to treat him now." He paused, turning his head to look at Rangiku. "I don't begrudge him the treatment Rangiku. The fact we're having to treat him this way is far from fair."

The woman's throat tightened even more. She wasn't sure what to say in response. Ukitake came over and placed his hand on her shoulder. "A lot of people are angry at what has happened to Hitsugaya Taicho. We're also mad we can't do anything about what happened. We couldn't prevent it, we can't make it go away."

Rangiku sighed. "Yet not every one knows yet. They know something is wrong, but they're expecting it to be brushed under the rug." The woman swallowed and shook his head. "No... they think it's something that will resolve itself in a short period of time. They think taicho... Toshiro... they think he will be back to normal."

Ikkaku paused. "You called your taicho by his first name?"

The woman turned to stare at the man, her blue eyes widening in confusion. Ukitake leaned between the two. He then opened his mouth. "Hitsugaya Taicho has been removed from his position as taicho. I told you that, right?"

"Still... hearing her call him by his first name is weird. When are they going to tell the lower ranks he's been removed from his position."

"I..." Rangiku paused, her mouth twisting into a frown. She looked right at Ukitake. "I honestly don't know."

Ukitake motioned for her to follow him to the side. "Let's discuss ways people can help Shiro-chan."

The woman sighed and followed the man. "I thought everyone knew."

"About you and Gin? About how Shiro-chan is your child?"

"Nanao-chan said such."

"The captains all happen to know. We've allowed a good portion of the fukutaicho to know. Not little Yachiru-chan as she wouldn't keep the secret. Shinji-kun wasn't sure how his fukutaicho would take the matter." Ukitake frowned. "I haven't told Rukia yet either. I told her that there are things I can't discuss with her. I explained that it isn't that I don't trust her, but they're things I feel Ichigo should find out first and he should be the one to tell her these things, not the other way around. Her finding out before Ichigo..."

"Ichigo hasn't been told?"

Ukitake took a deep sigh. "Kyoraku and I asked him. His first question was to ask who was taking care of Shiro-chan now that he is out of the forth division. We told him it was you, which he wasn't surprised at. He then said he wants you to be the one to tell him what ever it is. I told Rukia this as well."

Rangiku looked back at where the banging sound was coming from. "I need to get back to my son. The sound is bothering him as I told you. I need to explain to him that it isn't going to end soon." She turned on her heals and headed back to the room. She stepped up on the ladder and looked at the boy who was covering his ears. "The banging will end as soon as Ikkaku is finished with what he is doing outside." A whimper escaped his lips. "Toshiro... Ikkaku is doing something so that you don't have to worry about the sunlight."

The boy of course didn't respond to this. She stepped down, frowning as she sat on the edge of the bed. "_I don't want to go into the office until this is finished. The sound is causing him great distress_"

"_You need to do work or you'll be in trouble._"

"_I know that. When this is done I'll tell him I'm putting in extra work and not to expect me back soon. He should be able to wander about on his own._"

"_What about him wandering off?_"

Rangiku swallowed. "_No... he won't do that._" She looked up at the boy. "Taicho... when this is done I'll bring you a late breakfast." She paused for a few minutes. "_I'll get the paper work and bring it here._"

**M**

The banging sound finally finished and a knock came on the door. Ikkaku peeked in. "The screens are up Hitsugaya Taicho. You'll be able to go to and from the bathing quarters without any worries."

Rangiku looked up and heard the bed creak. For a good portion of the time the child remained still, but more creaks were heard. She watched as he stepped down in a timid manner and looked out the door. She stood up and took his hand before heading towards the bathroom. The boy stepped out, his feet taking slow steps. His pale teal eyes looked around wildly at first, his voice tightening from panic.

She watched as his hand reached out to touch the screen before he looked at Rangiku. "Why?"

"What do you mean why? It blocks out sunlight."

"I know." The boy's Adam apple swallowed. "Why'd... why do this for me?"

"People care." Rangiku swallowed and reached out with her free hand to ruffle his hair. "Things are going to be all right you know."

The look he gave her then said that he honestly didn't believe her. After a few minutes he started down the corridor on his own, his hand letting go of hers. She followed close behind trying to give him some room. He opened the door and slid in, stopping short. He swallowed. "I think... I think I can... on my own."

"All right. I'm going to get some paperwork from the office. I'll also bring you something to eat."

The boy frowned. "It's all right?"

"All right?" Rangiku looked around the room. "To use the restroom? Yes. It is actually all right. Remember... that's right. You weren't in there when Kyoraku Taicho said it was all right." She watched the boy stare. "It's all right even though we're likely getting a new taicho."

"It's not all right." The boy fidgeted a bit. "No... it's not." The boy swallowed. "Bathroom..."

Rangiku sighed. "All right." She spun around on her heals, a smile spreading across her face. "_He's acting like he usually does._"

"_Is he really? Or is this wishful thinking?_"

The woman swallowed. When she returned to the room she felt his rieatsu flaring and the troubled sound of breathing. She set the trey onto her bed with the papers and stepped onto the ladder. The boy was napping, but not sleeping normally. She reached out and nudged him watching as he startled awake. He looked at her wide eyed with fright. "I brought you something to eat."

She went and sat down on the bed. The ladder creaked as the boy stepped down. Taking a deep breath the boy looked at her. His hands reached out, his fingers coming close to the paperwork only for both he and Rangiku to flinch. She frowned and set the paperwork aside and took his hands. "Eat."

"I've got to..." The boy paused, blinking a couple of times. "I don't know. I'm a doll. I do what..." The boy paused, shaking his head only to tilt it slightly from the grogginess. He sat down and pulled the trey onto his lap.

"Are you getting better?" Rangiku smiled, only to suddenly frown when he didn't respond. "Where does this bit with the doll come from?" She again didn't receive any response from him. She swallowed, handing him one of the papers and a brush and ink pot. The boy stared, before dipping the pen. Her eyes widened as he scribbled the kanji for doll onto the paper so that it filled the entire page. "Toshiro..."

The woman took the paper from him and set it aside, swallowing. A muttering came from the boy's mouth. "Sorry..."

"No. Don't be." Rangiku pulled the stack into her lap. She heard the tone of her own voice and knew how despairing it sounded. "It's o.k. Just eat your food."

**M**

When Rangiku woke up the next morning her right arm was stiff. A soft snoring sound was heard from her right side and she felt a slight weight on her arm. The woman turned her head to see that the boy had yet again climbed down from the top bunk to sleep by her side, his breathing coming with ease. She reached over and brushed his hair away before shaking him so that he would get off her right arm. She watched as Toshiro sat up and blinked, his pale teal eyes causing her to flinch. This caused the boy to reach out a hand and tug at her robes while the other rubbed his eyes. A pout had formed on his face.

Rangiku quickly pulled him into a hug before looking at the stack of papers she had finished yesterday. Said stack was half as tall as the stack that wasn't finished. Haineko lectured from the back of her head. "_If you're constantly worrying about him you can't get your duties done._"

The child snuggled deeper into her arms and the busty female placed a hand on the back of his head. "_I know that, but..._" A knock came at the door causing her to forget her thought process. "Come in."

The door slid open and Ukitake peeked into the room. The man had a smile on his face. "Good morning Shiro-chan. Or I should say good afternoon as it is already lunch time."

Rangiku took a deep breath. "I take it you're feeling well." Toshiro pulled away from her arms and scurried up into the top bunk. "I'm sorry Ukitake. He doesn't seem to be sociable today."

"He's peaking out at me." The man's smile faltered a bit. "Rangiku... you went to bed last night without changing. You're also trying to do your work here in your room. It's not going well, is it?"

"No, it isn't." The woman moved over to her clothes and pulled out a clean uniform. "Could you watch him for me while I go change in the bathroom?"

"I'd be delighted too." Ukitake smiled at her.

When she came back she was surprised to see that Toshiro had moved down from the top bunk and was sitting in the corner of the bed listening intently to Ukitake speak to him. A package was set by his side. "How?"

"I started to tell him a story. He's been listening intently ever since." The man smiled at her, a sadness twinkling in his eyes. "He's always liked stories, hasn't he."

"I don't know." Rangiku swallowed. "He's never really acted like a child in front of me. Well... I mean... he has acted like a child when he's lost his temper or something has gone over his head. He's just never _acted_ like a child. He refused to."

"I see." Ukitake turned back to Toshiro. "Shiro-chan... may I watch you so that Rangiku can do her work? She'll be back from the office later in the afternoon."

Toshiro swallowed while Rangiku sighed. "You don't have to."

"I want to." The man began to open up the package and handed Rangiku a bento and another to Toshiro.

"Ukitake..."

"How is he going to learn to ask for help when he needs it if you can not?"

Rangiku froze, her eyes turning to look at Toshiro. "You have your duties as a taicho though."

"Once a week." Ukitake gave her another one of those sad smiles. "I used to see him daily you know. If I couldn't make captain's meetings he always stopped by to see me unless an emergency was going on. Let me return the favor. I feel like I'm doing something for him this way."

"Thank you." Rangiku turned her head to the boy as he looked at the bedding. She leaned forward causing the boy to look up at her, only to stop before he looked her in the eye again. "Ukitake wants to spend some time with you, just the two of you. I can't keep you to myself, so I shan't begrudge him this. Plus... I do need to work. I'll try to spend as little in the office as possible."

Her two hands reached out to pull the boy's face towards her and she placed a kiss lightly on his forehead. She slipped away and headed to the office. She sat down at the desk and began to work on the paperwork, only to stop short when a young man from their division came in with a worried look on his face. "Something the matter?"

"It's about Hitsugaya Taicho."

"I can't divulge things at this point." Rangiku swallowed.

"He's not coming back, is he." The man watched as the woman looked away. "Do you yet know who the new taicho will be?"

"I'm worried right now about his health."

"Actually... Matsumoto Fukutaicho... I didn't come here because I wanted to know who the new taicho will be. I'm concerned because there are certain rumors going around about you and Hitsugaya Taicho among the females in the division. I've only heard snatches, but the rumors aren't nice."

"Again... I'm worried about his health right now."

"So he's really not doing to well."

"No... he isn't." Rangiku looked down.

"I figured you should be forewarned."

Rangiku tried to block the conversation and it fled her mind once she headed back to her quarters. She saw through the screen a small figure on the corridor floor playing with something. Pushing the one screen aside she peeked in to see that Toshiro was spinning tops and watching them attentively. Ukitake sat near by. "How did it go?"

"He's well behaved. He's played with the tops I brought him for hours. Kaien wasn't joking when he told me that Shiro-chan loved this toy." The man frowned as he knelt on the ground. "After Toshiro came back from the restroom he had me dress him."

The woman's throat caught. "Myself as well."

She swallowed and look away. Ukitake folded his arms. "I thought he thought he was a zombie?"

"Zombie... doll... I can't tell what is going on in his head. If I could, I'd figure out some way to make things better for him."

"I don't see anything with letting him be for now. He's acting in a manner younger then he really is, but he really never got the chance to be a child." The man stood up, a smile on his face. "Thank you for letting me do this for you. I enjoyed the time I spent with him."

"You're welcome." Rangiku swallowed again, not sure what to think of the situation.

**M**

Despite the lack of progression on the white haired child's part things felt like they were going smoothly. Ukitake visited again a week later so that Rangiku was able to get out of the room into the office and Nanao also took a turn. Her friend was honestly worried about how the child acted and she found herself having tense relationships with the rest of the division. Her mind focused on the things she needed to do. A week and a half later Rangiku found herself working on paperwork in her quarters while Toshiro played with the tops.

A blur suddenly hurried by her and up the ladder, telling her someone was there. Letting out a sigh she stood up and headed to the corridor. She pushed the screen aside and saw that Byakuya Kuchiki standing on the other side with his usual scowl. "I doubt he's in the mood to speak to you with th way he took off."

"I'm here to speak to you about something important. It's best he doesn't hear."

Rangiku's stomach lurched suddenly for some unknown reason. She peeked into her quarters. "I need to talk to Kuchiki Taicho about something. Behave."

"_As if you need to tell him to behave._"

Rangiku refused to roll her eyes at her zampaktuo's giggling fit. She slipped out and followed the man to the meeting quarters that was normally reserved for the taicho to use. She nervously sat down on one of the cushions and remembered how the previous taicho would come in here to take naps and bring Toshiro with him him at times. "What is it that you wish to speak to me about?"

"I need to inform you that some of the noble families are pushing the forty-six for custody of Hitsugaya Taicho."

"They can't! He's my child!"

"They can."

Rangiku felt her throat tighten. "What do you mean they can?"

Instead of answering her question the man instead asked on of her. "Have you told him yet?"

"Told... you mean telling taicho that he is my child?" The woman swallowed. "What does that have to do with anything? I can very well take care of him. The noble clans have no right to do so."

"So you're saying you're a good mother?"

"I haven't had the chance to be one!"

"I'm here to be frank with you about the situation. Part of the contention is that you're not a fit guardian for Hitsugaya Taicho. The fact you are his biological mother hasn't been brought up yet, but that can in fact be used against you as you can be blamed for abandoning him."

"I didn't abandon..." Rangiku swallowed. "_I can't say I didn't abandon him because I honestly don't know."_ The woman took a deep breath. "I don't have my earlier memories."

"It can still be argued that you abandoned him. Outside of this there is the fact you have a drinking habit. You're social behavior leaves a lot to be desired. You're work habits according to Hitsugaya when he was aware of the world around him aren't good either. Then there are the accusations of inappropriate behavior towards Hitsugaya Taicho."

"What do you mean inappropriate behavior?"

"Someone apparently saw you changing him. Others apparently saw you take him into the woman's restroom."

Rangiku felt herself bristle. "I'm having to dress him because he refuses to dress himself. That day _that_ woman walked in he also made a _mess_ of himself. I should add she walked in without knocking and received a reprimand from me. As for the other part... I had to _guide_ him to the bathroom. He then refused to go into the mens room as he didn't want to be left alone. _Nothing_ inappropriate happened. _None_ of these woman understand how far gone he is."

"You haven't exactly been upfront with your division about certain things." Byakuya remained emotionless.

"Why should I be? These things are private and family business."

"Not all of it is. On top of this your division doesn't realize that the two of you are blood related. From what I understand they think of themselves as his family as well and think you're being self-centered."

Rangiku swallowed. "I need to ask. The person they've gotten their information from. It's one woman in the division, isn't it."

"You know I'm not at liberty to disclose that."

"I wonder if it was that woman though." The busty female looked at the ground. "I can't fight the forty-six on my own. This isn't fair. He needs me."

"The head captain and Ukitake are fighting for you."

"And what are you doing? If you're here it means that you've involved yourself."

"In case their bids to keep his custody in your hands doesn't work the Kuchiki clan has asked that the forty-six grant our clan custody if..."

"You have got to be kidding!" Rangiku snapped her words out in a manner that caused her to partially choke.

"If the Kuchki clan gains custody then Hitsugaya Taicho can stay with you his mother."

"But if I do end up an unfit mother you'll yank him away from me?"

"If this had been the Shiba clan putting forth to gain custody then would you be upset? This is no different."

"I at least feel like I am a part of the Shiba clan. This aside the clan isn't functional."

"No. It isn't. Truth be told if the clan were functional they would easily be able to put a stop to Hitsugaya Toshiro's custody being taken from you without having to put forth a bid for his custody."

"So I'm going to lose custody of him? Is this what everyone thinks?"

"I asked if you told him the truth yet. If you haven't told him the truth and the forty-six were to bring him forth to question him..."

"They wouldn't dare!"

"... he won't have any reason to stay with you."

"So they'll use the fact I haven't told him against me?"

"No. They'll likely ask him where he wants to stay."

"He wants to stay with me. He..." Rangiku looked at the ground. "This has nothing to do though with who he wants to stay with."

"It has to do with him being able to articulate why he wants to stay with you. Him saying you're like his mother isn't enough and may be detrimental in the fact you _are_ his mother."

"This isn't fair. It's not right."

"You really need to tell him."

"And what if it results in him hating me? Wouldn't that be even more detrimental then anything?"

"I don't think he's in a state of mind where that could actually end up being detrimental. It might actually help him out somewhat." Byakuya stood up. "I am sorry for bringing this to your attention, but it really needed to be said."

"I know." Rangiku stood up as well. She bowed to the taicho of the sixth and headed back to the room. "Toshiro..." She watched the boy look up at her and she found herself flinching away as his eyes met hers. "... we need to talk."

"You aren't going to send me away."

The woman turned to look at him. "I would never, ever send you away if I could help it! Why would you think that?"

"You can't..." The boy looked away.

"I can't what?" She watched as the corner of the boy's mouth twisted down and a finger pointed at his eyes. "I can't look you in the eye? That's what's bothering you."

The boy nodded his head. "Why?"

"That's because?"

"Ichimaru?"

"Well..."

"You said so."

"I..."

"... like his... said so..."

Rangiku let out a sigh as she slipped onto the bed. "I did say that, didn't I?" She patted the bed next to her. "You could say that is part of what I want to talk about."

"I'm a doll?"

"What? No..."

"Mini Ichimaru?"

"Well... yes."

"Replacement? A doll?"

"No!" Rangiku's tone rose causing the boy to scuttle backwards. She watched as the child shook. "Toshiro... no. You're not a replacement for Gin. Sure... you're a lot like him. That's to be expected though."

"Why?"

The woman remained silent, her throat tightening. A tug on her sleeve caused her to sigh. "Have you ever wondered who you're parents were?" The child remained silent, so she turned her head to look at him. His pale teal eyes were wide with horror. "Is that look on your face because this subject bothers you, or because you've figured out what I want to tell you."

"Figured what?"

The confused look on the child's face caused her to sigh. "Toshiro... Gin and I are your parents." She watched as the boy stared at her. "That's why you look like Gin." He continued to stare. "You look like him because he is your father." She watched as the boy's mouth twisted up. "What ever is the matter?" She watched as Toshiro got up and headed out in the corridor. "I'm not done speaking to you!"

She watched as the boy attempted to push the screen back only to suddenly stumble backwards upon seeing the sunlight. She watched the boy pull his knees up to his chest and bury his face into his arms. She knelt down. "Toshiro! What were you trying to do!" She didn't get any response and swallowed. "Toshiro..."

"If I'm gone, you're not sad."

"What do you..." Rangiku swallowed. "You think that I'm sad because you look like Gin?"

"It reminds you."

The woman suddenly shook his shoulders. "Don't you dare run off like he did!" She watched as the boy looked up at her with his pale teal eyes. His mouth twisted into a frown and it looked like tears would begin pouring from the eyes. The woman quickly pulled her into her arms. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I don't want to lose you. I really don't want to lose you." She tugged him into a standing position and led him into the room. "Please don't do that again."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not mad at you."

"You can't..."

"Because I can't forgive myself for not remembering sooner. It's not your fault. None of this is."

"Am I a doll?"

"What?"

"You dress me?"

"You're my baby."

"Then I'm a baby doll?"

"No..." Rangiku frowned. The child wouldn't look her in the eye.

"You dress me."

"You're not doing this on your own. Someone has to do it. It's my job as your mother to do this." Rangiku sighed and pulled away. "I really don't want to lose you." She looked at the ground. "There is something else I have to tell you. There are some people who want to take you away from me."

"Wouldn't that be best?"

"Toshiro! If you talk like that then they will take you away!"

"Happier? Better for you?"

"No! I told you! I don't want to lose you. You don't want to stay with me? Are you mad at me? Are you mad I forgot? Or are you mad because you feel I abandoned you?" Rangiku watched as the boy looked right at her. The boy bit his lip. His arms suddenly wrapped around her waist and he began to sob. "Toshiro. I promise. I'll do anything I can to keep you with me. I'm scared of losing you more then anything in the world."


End file.
